How To Give A Cat A Pill

01 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

02 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the couch, Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

03 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

04 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

05 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

06 Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly in one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

07 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

08 Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with its head just visible from partner's armpit. Put pill in drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.

09 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band aid to partner's arm and remove blood from carpet with soda water.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill, place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check dates for last tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and get a clean one from the bedroom.

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while avoiding cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a litre of water down throat to wash pill down.

14 Get partner to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for vet to make a house call.