Saturday, 26 September 2009

Petrol Prices

Thought For Today

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley

Today's Smile

Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife were awakened at 3.00 am in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3.00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3.00 in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband who is soaking wet by now.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.

The New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
A is for arthritis;
B is for the bad back,
C is for the chest pains
Perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline.
E is for eyesight, can't read the top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention.

H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescription, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells inmy ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow;
V for vetigo, that's 'dizzy' you know.

W for worry. Now what's going round?
X is for x-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another yaer, I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have - in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.


The Golden Years

Did You Know?

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.
In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.
A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off.
Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
There is a city called 'Rome' on every continent.
It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

Animal Crackers