Did you solve Monday's Who Am I?
The correct answer was
Cheryl Cole
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
More Classified Advertisements
The following Classified Advertisements actually appeared in the paper.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 volumes.
Excellent condition. £200 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.
Thought For Today
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says .....I'll try again tomorrow.
Bounced Check
Shown below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I wish only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at you bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1 To make an appointment to see me.
#2 To query a missing payment.
#3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6 To transfer the call to my mobile in case I am not at home.
#7 To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.
#8 To return to the main menu and listen to the options again.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year??
Your Humble Client
Don't you just wish you had thought of it first!
Dear Sir
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I wish only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at you bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1 To make an appointment to see me.
#2 To query a missing payment.
#3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6 To transfer the call to my mobile in case I am not at home.
#7 To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorised Contact mentioned earlier.
#8 To return to the main menu and listen to the options again.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, music noise will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year??
Your Humble Client
Don't you just wish you had thought of it first!
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