Blondes - As Seen Through The Eyes Of A Blind Man

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, "Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things .....

1 - The bartender is a blonde.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde.

3- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and a professional wrestler, and

5 - I'm a six foot, 200 lb, blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in Karate and a very bad attitude. Now think about it seriously, Mister. "Do you still want to tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaaah ..... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

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Picture: ChristArt.com

Today's Smile

The Obedient Wife

There was a man, who had worked all his life, and had saved all his money. In fact when it came to his money, he was a real miser.

Just before he died, he said to his wife ..... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

When he died he was stretchered out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a moment!"

She had a small metal box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

Her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied. "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."

To which her friend replied, "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did ," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it in my account, and wrote him a cheque ..... if he can cash it, then he can spend it.

"Who said men were smarter than women?

Who Am I? - Tuesday's Answer

Tuesday's -Who Am I?

answer

Charlie Chaplin

Why Do We Say That?

BEAT ABOUT THE BUSH
When hunting birds some people would beat about the bush to drive them out into the open. Other people would catch the birds. 'I won't beat about the bush' came to mean 'I will go straight to the point without any delay'.

BAKERS DOZEN
A bakers dozen means thirteen. It is said to have come from the days when bakers were severely

SHORT SHRIFT
A shrift was a confession made to a priest. Criminals were allowed to make a short shrift before they were executed. So if you gave somebody short shrift you gave them a few minutes to confess their sins before carry out the execution.

TAKE SOMEBODY UNDER YOUR WING
In Luke 12:34 Jesus laments that he wished to gather the people of Jerusalem as a hen gathers her chicks under new wings but Jerusalem was not willing.

Charleston

The Charleston is a dance named for the city of Charleston, South Carolina. The rhythm was popularized in mainstream dance music in the United States by the 1923 tune called 'The Charleston' by composer/pianist James P. Johnson which originated in the Broadway show 'Runnin' Wild' and became one of the most popular hits of the decade. Runnin' Wild ran from October 1923 through June 1924.

While it developed in African-American communities in the USA, the Charleston became a popular dance craze in the wider international community in the 1920s. Despite its origins, Charleston is most frequently associated with white flappers and speakeasy. Here, these young women would dance alone or together as a way of mocking the "drys," or citizens who supported the Prohibition amendment, as the Charleston was then considered quite immoral and provocative.

While the Charleston as a dance probably came from the "star" or challenge dances that were all part of the dance called Juba, the particular sequence of steps which appeared in Runnin' Wild were probably newly devised for popular appeal. At first, the step started off with a simple twisting of the feet, to rhythm in a lazy sort of way. When the dance hit Harlem, a new version was added. It became a fast kicking step, kicking the feet, both forward and backward and later done with a tap. Further changes were undoubtedly made before the dance was put on stage. In the words of Harold Courlander, while the Charleston had some characteristics of traditional Negro dance, it "was a synthetic creation, a newly-devised conglomerate tailored for wide spread popular appeal. Although the step known as "Jay Bird", and other specific movement sequences like the snare stare are of Afro-American origin, no record of the Charleston being performed on the plantation has been discovered.

Although it achieved popularity when the song 'Charleston', sung by Elizabeth Welch, was added in the production Runnin' Wild, the dance itself was first introduced in Irving C Miller's Liza in the spring of 1923.

The characteristic Charleston beat, which Johnson said he first heard from Charleston dockworkers, incorporates the clave rhythm and was considered by composer and critic Gunther Schuller to be synonymous with the Habanera, and the Spanish Tinge.

Charleston was one of the dances from which Lindy Hop and Jazz Roots developed in the 1930s, though the breakaway is popularly considered an intermediary dance form. A slightly different form of Charleston became popular in the 1930s and 1940s, and is associated with Lindy Hop. In this later Charleston form, the hot jazz timing of the 1920s Charleston was adapted to suit the swing jazz music of the 1930s and 1940s. This style of Charleston has many common names, though the most common are Lindy Charleston, Savoy Charleston, 30s or 40s Charleston and Swing(ing) Charleston. In both 20s Charleston and Swinging Charleston the basic step takes 8 counts and was danced either alone or with a partner. Tap Charleston (1925 to 1926): Leonard Reed was said to have invented Tap Charleston after he learned tap in 1925. Tap Charleston was the Charleston with breaks into open position to do tap steps.

Which One Would You Rather Ride On - Red Or Blue?

Little Johnny

Little Johnny is at it again ..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

Did You Know?

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

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Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

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Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren't added to it.

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On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

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More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

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The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

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More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

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Who Am I?

From the information given in the ten clues below, can you identify the mystery celebrity? A bit before your time, but I am sure most of you will guess the name of this famous person.

01 I was born on 16April 1889.
02 My place of birth was Walworth, London.
03 My parents were both music hall entertainers.
04 My maternal grandmother was half gypsy.
05 I was put in the workhouse at Lambeth when my mother was admitted to an Asylum.
06 I first toured America from 1910-1912 and shared a room in a boarding house with Arther Stanley Jefferson, who would later become known as Stan Laurel (Laurel and Hardy).
07 I started in films with the Keystone Film Company.
08 In the early days my principal character was 'The Tramp'.
09 I was a star of the silent screen.
10 One of my famous props was a cane.

Who do you think matches the clues given?

The Rape OF Nanjing

Between December 1937 and March 1938 one of the worst massacres in modern times took place. Japanese troops captured the Chinese city of Nanjing and embarked on a campaign of murder, rape and looting. (Pictured right: General Iwane Matsui leads Japanese troops into Nanjing).
Based on estimates made by historians and charity organisations in the city at the time, between 250,000 and 300,000 people were killed, many of them women and children. The number of women raped was said by Westerners who were there to be 20,000 and there were widespread accounts of civilians being hacked to death.
Yet many Japanese officials and historians deny there was a massacre on such a scale. They admit that deaths and rapes did occur, but say they were on a much smaller scale than reported. And in case, they argue, these things happen in times of war.
(Pictured left: Japanese execution by sword.)

In 1931, Japan invaded Chinese Manchuria The following years saw Japan consolidate its hold, while China suffered civil war between communists and Kuomontang. The latter were led by General Chiang Kai-shek, whose capital was Nanjing. Despite a period of Chinese resistance the Japanese army eventually broke through at Shanghai and swiftly moved on to Nanjing.
Chiang Kai-shek's troops had already left the city and the Japanese army occupied it without difficulty.
At the time the Japanese army did not have a reputation for brutality. In the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-5, the Japanese commanders had behaved with great courtesy towards their defeated opponents, but this was different. Japanese papers reported competitions among junior officers to kill the most Chinese.
Tim Durdin of the New York Times reported the early stages of the massacre before being forced to leave. He later wrote "I was 29 and it was my first big story for the New York Times. So I drove down to the waterfront in my car. And to get to the gate I had to climb over masses of bodies accumulated there. The car had to drive over these dead bodies and the scene on the waterfront, as I waited for the launch ... was of a group of smoking, chattering Japanese officers overseeing the massacring of a battalion of Chinese captured troops. They were marching about in groups of about 15, machine-gunning them"
As he departed he saw 200 men being executed in 10 minutes to the apparent enjoyment of Japanese military spectators.
He concluded that the rape of Nanjing was "one of the great atrocities of modern terms.

Thought For Today

The moment we begin to fear the opinions of others and hesitate to tell the truth that is in us, and from motives of policy are silent when we should speak, the divine floods of light and life no longer flow into our souls.
Elizabeth Cady Stanton

News Headlines

Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case.

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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

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New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

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The Golden Years

Brainteaser - Sunday's Answer

The brainteaser on Sunday asked you where you would find certain keys on your key pad. You had to decide whether the letters you were given were to the left or to the right of the F5 key. Obviously you could immediately check your answers yourselves, and they would have been as follows:

01 Right

02 Right

03 Left

04 Right

05 Left

06 Left

07 Left

08 Right

Perhaps you were surprised how unfamiliar you are with your key pad!

Looking Back - Johnson Stripped Of Olympic Gold

On this day in 1988, sprinter Ben Johnson was sent home from the Seoul Olympic Games in disgrace. The Canadian was also stripped of his 100m gold medal after testing positive for drugs. On his arrival home, in Toronto, Johnson said he will appeal against the International Olympics Committee's verdict.

But the IOC has already said the athlete's intended defence - that a herbal drink he consumed before the race had been spiked - will not be accepted. Samples of Johnson's urine were tested for drugs immediately after the 100m final three days earlier, which he won in a world record time of 9.79 seconds. And Olympic officials confirmed last night that traces of the anabolic steroid, Stanozol, had been detected. The sprinter was woken in the early hours of the morning to be told the IOC had decided to send him home.

Canada's Prime Minister Brian Mulroney said it was the correct decision, but a tragedy for Johnson and a great sadness for for all Canadians.

You're In The Army Now

When in doubt empty the magazine.

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If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

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Clever is getting out alive.

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The easy way is always mined.

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It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

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The enemy diversion you're ignoring is their main attack.

Brainteaser

You type on your computer all the time. WITHOUT LOOKING DOWN AT YOUR KEYBOARD, say whether the following letters are to the left or to the right of the F5 key. (The F5 key is more or less central to your keypad).

01 The letter K

02 The letter M

03 The letter R

04 The letter U

05 The letter D

06 The letter W

07 The letter G

08 The letter L

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Good luck with your answers!

Questions You Just Can't Answer

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Did you ever stop and wonder?

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Thought For Today

If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough.
Ann Landers

Petrol Prices

Thought For Today

There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self.
Aldous Huxley

Today's Smile

Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife were awakened at 3.00 am in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3.00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3.00 in the morning and it is pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband who is soaking wet by now.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.

The New Alphabet

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,

That used to be right, but now it won't float!

Age before beauty is what we once said,

But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

THE NEW ALPHABET
A is for arthritis;
B is for the bad back,
C is for the chest pains
Perhaps car-d-iac?



D is for dental decay and decline.
E is for eyesight, can't read the top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention.


H is high blood pressure - I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P for prescription, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.


S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; bells inmy ears!
U is for urinary, troubles with flow;
V for vetigo, that's 'dizzy' you know.

W for worry. Now what's going round?
X is for x-ray, and what might be found.
Y for another yaer, I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have - in my mind.



I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

The Golden Years

Did You Know?

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

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In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child.

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A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off.

__________________________

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

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You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

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There is a city called 'Rome' on every continent.

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It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland.

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Animal Crackers

The Professor

An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before but had failed an entire class.

That class had insisted that Obama's socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.

The professor then said , "OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama's plan."

All grades would be averaged and everyone would receive the same grade so no one would fail and no one would receive an A.

After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy.

As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decide they wanted a free ride too so they studied little. The second test average was a D! No one was happy.

When the third test rolled around, the average was an F.

The scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.

All failed, to their great surprise, and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great but when government takes all away, no one will try or want to succeed.

Could not be any simpler than that.

CLASS DISMISSED

Thought For Today

If you are going through hell, keep going!
Sir Winston Churchill

If Women Ruled The World

Did You Know?

Today's Smile

DYNAMITE

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,

What a Great chest you have!"

He tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby."

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,

"What massive calves you have!"

The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs of dynamite, Baby"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out

of the apartment screaming in fear'

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He

catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment

like that.

The blonde replies, "I was to be around all that dynamite after I

saw how short the fuse was!"

Looking Back - First Britons Conquer Everest

On this day in 1975, Dougal Haston and Doug Scott became the first Britons to reach the summit of the world's highest mountain. The men arrived at the top of Mount Everest via the previously unclimbed south-west face, 33 days after establishing their base camp.

The team succeeded on a difficult direct route which has repulsed five other attempts and set a record for the fastest time up the peak.

Expedition leader Chris Bonington reported the pair had reached the 29,028ft (8,848m) summit safely and were now on their way down the mountain. He also said they were ahead of schedule and hoped more of the 18-strong group would be able to reach the top.

The south-west face of Everest has been regarded as one of the most difficult challenges in mountaineering because of its length and exposure to high-level winds.

Mr Haston, who runs the International School of Mountaineering in Switzerland, and Mr Scott, a mountain lecturer from Nottingham, had failed twice to conquer the route.

The Queen sent a message to the team offering her warmest congratulations on a 'magnificent achievement'.

Jan Scott, who was planning to fly out to Nepal to meet her husband, said she was overjoyed by his success. "It's wonderful - I knew Doug would do it one day," she said.

The 1975 south-west expedition was marred by the disappearance of Mick Burke four days later on his way to the summit

Doug Scott and Chris Bonnington became two of Britain's most well-known mountaineers, making hundreds more difficult ascents and lecturing about the sport to make a living.

Bonington's book about the climb was called Everest the Hard Way - a reference to the fact it was the hardest route up the mountain to that date.

Dougal Haston was killed in a skiing accident in the Swiss Alps in 1977.

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Click on the audio link below to hear Douglas Scott and Dougal Haston describe the Everest climb.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6560000/newsid_6564500/6564587.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&news=1&bbcws=1

The Golden Years

Incredible Wildlife Pictures

Take a look at these incredible pictures. I do not know the background to this story, other than the fact that the lions were raised by the Park Ranger pictured with them. Enjoy!