How To Give A Cat A Pill

01 Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

02 Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the couch, Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

03 Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

04 Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

05 Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call partner from garden.

06 Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get partner to hold cat's head firmly in one hand whilst forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

07 Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

08 Wrap cat in large towel and get partner to lie on cat with its head just visible from partner's armpit. Put pill in drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with a pencil and blow down drinking straw.

09 Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band aid to partner's arm and remove blood from carpet with soda water.

10 Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill, place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck and leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11 Get screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check dates for last tetanus shot. Throw away T-shirt and get a clean one from the bedroom.

12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while avoiding cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13 Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty gardening gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour a litre of water down throat to wash pill down.

14 Get partner to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15 Arrange for vet to make a house call.

Witty Bits

Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get Easter Eggs.

******************************

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

******************************

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

******************************

Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate.

******************************

What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Missing Blogs

Unfortunately, I was unable to publish blogs on Saturday, Sunday and Monday, as I was taking a few days holiday down in Petersfield, Hampshire. We spent a very pleasant few days with my son David and daughter-in-law Tanya, made all the more special by the fact that it was the first time I had seen my fifteen-month-old grandson, Alexander, walking under his own steam.. Above is a picture of the lake at Petersfield, home to a great variety of waterfowl, other attractions around the lake are rowing-boats, kiddies playground and a cafe/shop, the footpath that circles the entire lake makes it a great walk.

Witty Bits

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it on.

***********************

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

***********************

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

***********************

Go into a stores fitting room and announce loudly "there's no toilet paper in here!"

**********************

Every one must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Today's Smile

A Scottish soldier in full dress uniform marches into a chemist. Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandanna, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically."How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Sixty pence," says the chemist. "How much for a new one?" "One pound," says the chemist. The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging. A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout. The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face. "The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."