Witty Bits

Nothing needs reforming as much as other people's habits.

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The five stages of Acquisition: Infatuation, Justification, Appropriation, Obsession and Resale.

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What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

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The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any rewards.

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Witty Bits

The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.

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Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness et cetera, keep her from drowning them at birth.

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To appreciate heaven well, it's good for a person to have some fifteen minutes of hell.

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Men marry because they are tired, women marry because they are curious; both are disappointed.

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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Witty Bits

It is your concern when your neighbours wall is on fire.

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In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

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It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know your going away.

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I am erotic. You are kinky. They are perverts. We protect. Our allies enforce. Our enemies oppress. Congress appropriates. Microsoft lobbies. Citizens steal.

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Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

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Love is staying up all night with a child, or a healthy adult.

Witty Bits

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

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An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.

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If I love you, what business is it of yours? -- Johann van Goethe.

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If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

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Witty Bits

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

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A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation.

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Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

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Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place

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If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.

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Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.

Witty Bits

It may look like I'm doing nothing, but I'm actually waiting for my problem to go away.

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I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time a woman got pregnant, someone left town.

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Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.

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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

Witty Bits

You know your God is man-made when he hates all the same people you do.

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Evolutionists have proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

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It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.

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You never learn anything by doing it right.

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Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.

Witty Bits

Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.

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As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

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Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.

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You can go anywhere you want, if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

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If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church.

Witty Bits

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity. but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself.

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You can't be late until you show up.

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Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

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Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Witty Bits

Notice in a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chamber maid.

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Notice at a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food give it to guard on duty.

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Notice in a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for the best results.

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Notice in a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

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Notice in a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m.

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Outside a country shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

Witty Bits

You can't be late until you show up.

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Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.

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Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Witty Bits

My God carries a hammer. Your God died nailed to a tree. Any questions?

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Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

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Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.

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If you think things can't get any worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

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A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station .........

Witty Bits

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

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Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

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House guarded by shotgun 3 days a week. Guess which days.

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I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way ..... so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Witty Bits

I can handle pain until it hurts.

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

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"Would anybody tell me if I was gettin' ...stupider? ... George W. Bush.

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Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, its biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

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You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

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I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Witty Bits

Dictionary: the only place marriage comes before sex anymore.

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Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

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I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.

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Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

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We have good reason to believe he was stabbed. There was a sharp object sticking out of his chest.

Witty Bits

Christ is so cool. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get Easter Eggs.

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Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

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Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

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Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate.

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What the hell do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Witty Bits

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it on.

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If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

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Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

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Go into a stores fitting room and announce loudly "there's no toilet paper in here!"

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Every one must believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Witty Bits

The only reason people get lost in thought is because its unfamiliar territory.

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Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.

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Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines.

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I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing noise they make as they go flying by.

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The Bishop came to my church today. That guy was an imposter, he never once moved diagonally.

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There is a time and a place for everything, and it's called college.

Witty Bits

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

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Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

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When people talk to God, it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia.

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I got kicked out of Waterstones once for moving all the Bibles into the fiction section.

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I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty only being skin deep. What do you want, an adorable pancreas.

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As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax, you're not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients", but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian".

Witty Bits

Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.

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Solution to two of the worlds problems. Feed the homeless to the hungry.

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and is widely regarded as a bad move.

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

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Why do they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease had already been taken!