American Law And Disorder

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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Attorney: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
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Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8.30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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American Law And Disorder

Attorney: She had three children right?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor. I think I need a different attorney, Can I get a new attorney?
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Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
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Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male.
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Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No. This is how I dress when I am going to work.
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American Law And Disorder

More hilarious quotations from a book by Charles M Sevilla entitled 'Disorder in the American Courts'.

Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
Witness: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
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Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me.
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Attorney: So, the date of conception (of the baby) was 8 August
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time.
Witness: Getting laid.

American Law And Disorder

The following quotations are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' by Charles M. Sevilla and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan!
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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.
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Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes
Attorney: And in what way does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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