American One Liners

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

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Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

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Follow your dreams, except for the one where your naked at work.

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In an argument, the woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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Which one of these is a non-smoking lifeboat?

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I had amnesia once - maybe twice.

American One Liners

One goldfish says to the other "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

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It's not who you know, it's whom you know.

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A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

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Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

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How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

American One Liners

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

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I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger ..... then it hit me.

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There are two rules for success: 1) Don't tell all you know.

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Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

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I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

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I live in California and my watch is 3 hours fast,

I can't fix it, so I'm moving to New York

American One Liners

I bet you I can stop gambling.

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I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided.

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I can't get enough minimalism.

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I was born to be a pessimist. My blood group is B Negative.

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Do ten millipedes equal one centipede.

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A liberal is just a conservative that hasn't been mugged yet.

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Once we had Bill Clinton, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have George Bush, no cash and no hope.